The Lampshadables

Title: The Lampshadables
Author: Koe
Genre: Slash-fanfiction
Length: Five chapter drabble: 500 words.
Fandom: The Expendables
Pairing: Barney Ross/Lee Christmas.
Tags: SPOILERS, Humor, Crack, Bromance, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Body Shots.
Summary: Ross and Christmas rub elbows. It’s “their thing”.
Author’s note: (Spoilers:) Quote, The Expendables: “Church (Bruce Willis): You guys aren’t gonna start sucking each other’s dicks, are you? Barney (Sylvester Stallone) looks suggestively at Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Church laughs sarcastically] (…)”
- After that line, a slasher would think she’s watching the right movie, right? Right? Nu-uh, a little elbow rubbing between the two dialogiest heroes (Stallone & Statham) is as far as it gets. ;_; But, fear not, fangirl-squad is fixing it as-you-read. ;)

Chapter 1: Trigger Warning
Summary: Ross and Christmas rub elbows. It’s “their thing”.

“GodDAMN! Stop it!”


“Stop THAT!”

“With the elbow?”

“Yeah, stop it with the goddamn elbow rubbing already! Goddamn!”

“But? Can’t a man… We’ve always rubbed elbows, man. What’s your goddamn problem NOW?”

“I haven’t seen the missus in a goddamn month, man! Anything can set me off, and you don’t want to be it, trust me! And stop it with the laughing!”

“It’s your ELBOW, man. If you can’t take a little elbow without going gay, I can’t help you, man.”

[Lee frowns at Barney and grumbles under his breath]

“Kiss’n make up?”

“Fuck YOU, man!”

“Love you, man!”

Chapter 2: Skin
Summary: “Sure. “Nothin’.” Suuure.”

[Barney peers at Lee through the corners of his eyes]

“What NOW!?”

[Pause] “‘s nothing.”

“Sure. “Nothin’.” Suuure.”

[Barney fiddles with some spare parts. Lee sighs deeply, stops pacing and settles backwards on his chair, facing Barney]


[Barney blushes deeply, making Lee look a bit rattled]

“Ahm, I was just wondering about your missus-problem, man.”

“Well, don’t!”

“But, we’re kind of isolated here and you’re getting a bit… volatile.”

“Yeah, I might, because you are behaving like a total bitch, man! Shut up and get a goddamn shirt on! And shut up! Goddamn!”

“Well, I figured…”

“NO! Stop! Don’t!”

Chapter 3: Don’t Spill
Summary: Take a hint.

[Barney, sheepishly] “Ah, uh, I’m gonna be in the back, taking care of… business.”

“Didn’t I just tell you to shut up? Twice?”

“Yeah, I’m just saying.”

“That’s my problem right there.”

“No, it really isn’t, man. And, you know… I don’t have a problem with it and you’re my man, man. We’re buddies. We’ve been to hell and back, but we’ve always taken care of each other.”

[Lee sticks his index fingers in his ears and sings out loud]


[Lee removes his fingers and looks overly quizzically about]

“Aaah, silence!”

“I’m going in the back now!”


Chapter 4: Girl
Summary: Oh, fuck me, Lee.

[Barney appears, stretching and smiling. Lee crouches in front of some instruments, red in the face, looking haggard, shaken]

“Fuck you, Barney!” [Through gritted teeth]

“Don’t be a girl, Lee.”

[Lee spins around on his heels and ogles Barney in a definitely hostile way]

“Say WHAT again?”

[Barney grins suggestively]

“‘s your loss, man.”

[Lee spins away again and his back starts to shake]

“Aw, fuck it, Lee! I didn’t mean… Oh, fuck me, I’m sorry!”

[Barney hurries over to Lee, putting an arm around his shoulders]

“Goddamn, I’m stupid! You know me, I’m just that stupid. Sorry, man, sorry!”

Chapter 5: Calling the Shots

Summary: When the end is good…

[Lee stops his pacing abruptly, in front of Barney]

“Hand me the bottle, Barney!”

“Huh? Isn’t it a little early, man?”

“Yeah, it sure is! Just not early enough!”


[Lee downs a quarter of the whiskey before handing it back to Barney, who takes a sip. Lee puffs up his chest.]

“Okay now! Strip and lay down!”

[Barney starts laughing so hard that drops are coming out his nose and spirit makes his eyes run]

“Goddamn, Lee!”

“I happen to like body shots and this ain’t happening without alcohol. Lots and lots of it.”

“Goddamn, Lee!”

[Barney looks impressed]